Monday, November 15, 2010

A Foot Note of a Life Less Known.

My father was 81 years old. He died on the 9th November 2010, in a Hospice, he had been suffering from Cancer for some small while. I mention all this for a reason, not for sympathy, no. But in the knowledge that death is amongst us all. Or so it is said.  He was a domineering Son of a Bitch.  

I was 19 years old, when I first came home from the Far East, during my time abroad in the Royal Navy, I had received several letters from my younger sister, stating her fears.

I was 15 and one half years old when I joined the Navy.  Leaving home was for me a release, a new adventure, but in truth it was an escape from my home. I couldnt wait.  

When I returned home at the age of 19 years, I re visited upon my father, the justice, so long awaited, and in a measure, commensurate with the pain he had meted out to me, my brother, and sister for years.  I was not glad at what I had done, but that which was done by me, stopped any further  actions  by him. It was then I discovered just how weak and insignificant he was. He no longer held any power over me, nor upon my siblings.  We had become free.

But today, I feel? ………Nothing. I have sympathy, yes. But for whom?  Certainly not me, and yet my brother has vested himself with the trueness of a son. He has begun to take care of his mother. For that I have respect for him. Yet he was a sufferer at his fathers hands? I am puzzled. Did my Mother know? But since she has had  three strokes in her life, the question can not be asked. As the answer could not be understood.

I became a human after I left home, and as such felt the need to spread my wings in all directions, some good some not so good! But whatever the task, I  felt  a part of that collective effort to succeed.

I served with the Marines in several areas of agitation, and found that while friends came and went, comrades stayed comrades. That bond of trust, tangible, not spoken and not felt outside  the area of severest intensity.

I have,  since that day of retribution, and  to the day of his death, never spoken to my father, now there is a statement of fact!  You might find that surprising, but I am unable to illucidate, as it would  involve the feelings of others to whom I owe privacy. 

He has died, and I have lost the very thing that made me so strong mentally, the very thing that caused me to seek another life.  If the truth be known, I am not sorry, not sad at all. He was my father, that is true. But I didnt know him, nor did I wish to.

I became a better person, the day I left home, all those years ago. I shall not go to the funeral, nor shall I mourn,  it is as though a weight has left my soul, and that is a good thing. I hold no guilt, nor do I feel that loss.


  1. It sounds like you found peace. Blessings, my friend.

  2. It saddens me, the number of fathers in this world whose deaths go ummourned.

  3. It's a good man that can take something bad and turn it into something good.

  4. Wow, that was, and is very heavy.
    I share some of what you wrote of your father. ...mine was not able to overcome his upbringing, and made us 3 girls relive it, plus has own wife. Really screwed up some people.
    Though, as you know, you make peace...or you repeat.

    I made mine, as you have. Its tough sometimes, but there is such beauty, grace about us...the second chance, rebirth and rest of the storey awaits is being written ~


  5. PS
    Hope the man~ flu has gone!

  6. Thank you for your lovely comments.

  7. It sounds as though your dad was merely one of the vessels that brought you here for the rest of us. In that, I would tell him thank you!

  8. Those can be difficult conclusions to come to, but at least you got there.

  9. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is sever. Glad you had the courage to walk away.

  10. You sound like you have peace within you now. Bless you.

  11. A powerful, honest account of your feelings. Far healthier to be truthful to your inner self. Too many people carry guilt around inside that slowly poisons them.

  12. The Bible says the sins of the fathers are visited to the children, even to the 4th generation. In my own family I can see the truth in this, and it takes a strong person to break the generational chain. I have done it, and it seems you have too.

  13. It is a big problem, it seems to carry on through the generations. But I have tried to distance myself. It wasnt easy and I have felt terribly guilty since.
    However, the knowledge that I finally made a decision, is some comfort. Your comment was really fine, its good to know there are others who can offer advice and have the knowledge. Being on your own is not good. Having moved on, I am no longer on my own, and have a good life.

  14. I have a similar relationship with my father like you have. I woke up one day and realized that I did not need to put up with the tyranny and live in guilt. I was able to walk away. I can't explain how liberating that felt! I totally understand what you are feeling. I have told my mom that I would not "miss" him when he dies.

  15. Hi Anon: Yes, it seems that way, I had those feelings many times. His passing has left me with mixed feelings. I dont miss him, and dont really care. But there is something, not sure what.
    But it will come to me.