Remembering.

(This a none horsey post)

Havin` a bad day.  I don’t know `bout you, but sometimes I cant raise a smile. Not for the love of God.   Been like that lately, I know, people say,” Pull yourself together,” or “ C`mon get a grip!”  it doesn’t always work like that.
Sure, it may seem that way, but once in a while, I get to doin` too much thinkin`.
I find time hangs heavy with me,  been that way since …….well since a few years ago. Don’t matter what caused it, but its there, one day you wake and you`re in a black hole.
Its pretty dark, and although it seems there`s a way out, no matter what you try, you don’t get any nearer!  Pills don’t help. They made me worse, well, for a while, that is until I decided to try and get myself out of the hole. These “fugs”  tend to last a few days,   but this one?    
Been a mite longer.  Too long really, I got no energy and feel crap. The dark thoughts are there, but never that bad. They used to be awfully strong, very hard to resist, now they are “middlin`”.  

The first time it all happened, I was 36, and doing fine. My job was good, really enjoyed it. Then the whole world crashed.   Three years later, no job, no income and losing my family. I didn’t know which way was up.

The headaches were awful, ……….have you ever seen a full grown man curl up and cry?  …..That was me.      There was nothing I felt I could do. I didn’t turn to drink, nor anything like that, but kept myself away from others, not wanting to deal with things or people.   Then gradually, really slowly, I started the road to recovery,  it began one winters day.
I remember it so vividly.

I was sitting watching the snow fall, I was with another person, a long time friend, a cool guy, really quiet and unassuming.  A good friend.

We were out Hill walking, and had stopped to admire the mountains in their snowy raiment.  The silence of snow falling is really intense.  A coffee in one hand and a large ham sandwich in the other. He said……….” Funny how snow makes the land look clean, and innocent”.  My first reaction was to ignore it. But the phrase rattled around in my head for days. Don’t know why.  About a week later, I was in the local Gym, and it finally dawned on me, I realised what he had meant!
I should try and stop looking back, try and become me again but  without all the crap.  The rest of the Gym session went in a blurr!  I started going to the Gym everyday, got fit, and as I did so, I felt so much better in myself, more alert less agitated.  I started to feel, almost reborn.  Everything else improved too, within a few months I was back!…….I tell you this, why?  I don’t know. But I feel better already, so talk later, I`m off to the Gym!