Thursday, September 22, 2011

A Day with Aunty Jane.

The car passed without incident. Well, that is, nothing happened. It was driven sedately passed myself and Gracie, almost at a snails pace. Now normally that would`nt bother the two of us, we live near a busy route, and occasionally, it gets busy.

So there it was. A large silver Mercedes Benz, sporting large, low profile tyres,  and with more than enough chrome to sink a battleship!  Talk about “Pimp my Ride”…………… This car was severely  “Pimped!”

I watched as it meandered away along the black asphalt,  its sleek looks and growling engine.  I immediately thought………Debt Collectors? …………Drug Dealers?   But gave up after several minutes. To make matters worse, in my curious state of mind, was that I was unable to see who, or what was behind the wheel!   I did see a pair of slender, ring adorned hands on the steering wheel, but that was it. I mean, it had to be someone with cash?   Didnt it?

Well, the horse and I arrived home, and after the usual brushing down, putting tack away, I decided that, as the day wasnt quite finished, and the evening was just right for sipping a “cold one”, while leaning against the gate on the drive. I did just that!

A short while later, the very same Silver Merc, I had seen earlier, drew along the road, and began to slow to a stop out side my gate.  I was, at the time in mid suck, of a large mouthful of beer!

The drivers door opened, I, while trying to look as though I didnt care, was quietly choking on the half swallowed beer in my throat! As I coughed my way to Heaven, I saw the bejewelled right hand of the driver,  reach for the top of the open door. Just then, my ears were immediately assailed by the sound of, what can only be described as  reminiscent of a 1970`s Boom Boom Box!!  It stopped as fast as it had started, and was quickly replaced by a rather  reed like voice.

“ ere!  gis  an  and?   me shoes stuck under this peddle thing!” That voice was unmistakable!  “Aunt Jane?”  …….My words shot out, spattering good cold beer everywhere!  “yes dear, its me, I`m stuck! Bloody car!………….”

Eventually I extricated my Aunt Jane from the Silver Pimp mobile. “What on earth are you driving this for?”  I asked, she was a little hesitant to answer at first, then as she looked up at me, she smiled! That big broad grin of hers, ear to ear, she replied. “ e`s dead in `e!  Died last week, lit a fag in the old garage,  `cause it was full of old petrol cans! Told `im often enough, stupid old fart!”

“So my Uncles dead then?”   “Oh yeah! “ she replied, “ dead as a door nail son!”  I asked again about the car, she looked at me, and said, “ you remember what your uncle did? Naw! Dont `spose you would, well, after he blew himsel up, the “Filth” came round, done the place over, like in the Sweeney! They wus lookin` for stolen jewels, turns out your Uncle an` my `usband wus a jewel thief! All those years I spent in poverty! `An `e had  money stashed all over! It was even in the toilet cistern!”

At that she turned away on her heels and tottered into the house. I ran after her, still with a million questions on my mind.

I stared at her clothes, she was covered in the worst, but most expensive clothes I had ever seen!  But my Aunt was smiling all over! Although she looked like “Mutton dressed as Lamb” I still thought the world of her.  “ Yeah! But what about the car?” I asked again. “Oh alright, dont get yer knickers in a twist son!….c`mon, I need yer help!” We headed back out to the car.

We stopped at the boot, (trunk) Aunty Jane then proceeded to reconnoitre the neighbourhood with her bird like eyes. She began to pop the boot, but held it down for a second or two, and said, “ You sure son?  `cos it ain`t pretty wats in ere!……”  I looked at her face, age had taken its toll, and the once tanned clear skin, looked more like  tanned leather!    “Its ok Aunty nothing in here to frighten me!” I said.

The boot lifted open, I casually gazed inside and……………….It was a while later when I woke up.  “What on earth is a body doing in that car!” I screeched………”Your not gonna believe this son, but……….”

Its been some time now, since Aunty Jane came to stay, but we are happy.

The boot lifted open………….


  1. Okay..I'm hooting and hollarin' over here in the are amazing at telling stories..but the ending(or huge beginning?) of this one is unclear...I am hooked...what about the car?? and WHo-what-is in the boot?!

  2. "The boot lifted open . . ."

    A N D . . . . . . .

    (I'M ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT HERE . . . . !!!)

    (awesome post!!!)

  3. A more exciting life than mine . . . not that I'm looking for that sort of excitement! Can't wait to read more . . .

  4. I never know whether or not to take these stories seriously..... LOL!

  5. If this is a book, I want to get my hands on it, if not?...Please don't leave me hangin' for too long.

  6. Thanks everyone, glad you like it! Part two is out!

  7. Aunty Jane?..... She did exist, but she has passed on now. After she was released from Pentonville Prison, her life became quite sedate, but she did always carry a long Carpet bag, Mmm? heavy too!

  8. A body? Holy shotguns, I'm off to read part two.