Friday, September 23, 2011

A Policeman Calls (part 3)

The cottage in the village, where I lived, was spacious, it had all mod cons, and whats more, it had a large garden!  In the far corner, facing due East, was a large compost heap. It had been steaming away quite nicely for some months, and was developing a rather earthy smell!

“ Aunt Jane?”……….” Yes dear?”……………I was looking at the compost heap, and nodding to it, as Aunt Jane arrived along side me. “ Think me stupid? Aunt Jane”, ……..”Naw! you  wus the clever one in the famly! naw, you ain`t fick, a little timid, but defin`atly not fick!”  With that illustrious vote of confidence, I began to outline my plan,  over afternoon tea. 

It was late in the evening, a little after seven. My trip to the local Garden center was precise, knowing full well what I needed, and got exactly what I wanted. The would deliver the Laburnam Tree tomorrow!  I had left Aunt Jane sitting beside the fire in the lounge, she was tired poor thing, and in need of sustenance, of the liquid variety!  Upon my return, I parked the car, (my own!) and made my way to the house. 

The front door was ajar….From inside I could hear voices, hushed, almost whispered tones. I pushed the door open, and ventured inside. As I approached the lounge door, I became aware of a large presence behind me!  To say he was tall, would be an understatement, broad strong and without doubt of East European extraction!  I began to introduce myself, “ My name is………” I decided that discretion, was the better part of valour, as the business end of a large pistol caused my nose to turn upwards! I was then ushered into my own lounge unceremoniously!  “ Aunty Jane? Whats going on?” …………” This is Sergei!….Say hello, Sergei let me `ave the car, remember! i told ya before!”  A short elegant man stood in front of the fire place, he was well dressed, and sported what can only be described as a “Terry Thomas” type moustache!

“ Good evening”……..his heels came smartly together with a pronounced click. My immediate thought was, that I was in a cheap 1960`s spy movie!  But that was soon dispelled!

“I am Count Sergei Alexandrovich  Levantov!”……….My Aunt, until now had been rather quiet, but just then she chirped in, “ Aww! I`nt `e nice!   `E s a proper gent `r is! I was tellin` `im all about our situation dear, `an e`s offered to `elp!”  A large sigh rent the air, and I began to lose all hope of ever getting out of this little  mess!

I had always loved her, but there were times!!  

The Russian spoke, “ Your delightful Aunt, she tells me you have a body?  And not just any old body, this I can live with!  Tell me, how do you propose to get  `ow you say, rid!” ……………….”Its all right son, I only told `im about the body, I didnt mention the loot!” At that, the room became a tad frosty!  The Russian became  alert. “ Ave I said som`ink wrong son? ……….. I`m sorry.  Aw ma Gawd! I done it now in I?” 

“ My Aunt is old and senile” I interjected quickly, “ She doesnt know what she is saying!”

The Count stood  taller now, “ Show me… this loot!”………..  His accomplice casually waved the large pistol in my face.  As I passed my Aunt, she looked at me, and gave a small wink!   I couldnt  begin to think what she had up her sleeve!   I walked to the garage, there neatly arranged on the concrete floor, were the three bags.

“Open them!” The Russian barked at his body guard, with that the man mountain stepped forward and proceeded to do as he was told. My Aunty, standing beside me, grabbed my arm and started to take a step backwards, I followed suit,   “Steady son, follow my lead”, she whispered.  There then followed a conversation in Russian between the to gangsters.  Both were bent over the bags with there backs towards us, at which point my Aunty picked up a large pick axe handle, gave one to me, and one for herself!  It was over in seconds, apart from the blood, and one or two bits of brain splashed around, it was a neat job!

But that left us three bodies, and a car!  “ Aunt Jane?  how did these two get here?” I pointed at the two recently deceased gangsters.

“ Car I   expect, ain`t seen it!”

As I thought upon the problem, Aunty Jane came to my rescue. “ See `ere son, that `ole you`s gonna dig, jus make it bigger, no one `ll know, `an the tree will cover the top!”

“ Yes thats true, but three bodies? That`ll take some rotting down.” Then it came to me!  The compost heap!

The next day, the tree arrived, and I began the laborious task of digging a hole. By the end of the day, my hands had blisters and my back was breaking, but it was done!  That evening after the tree was planted, we dragged the three bodies across the shaded garden to where the compost heap was steaming nicely away. I had fully intended to move the heap, but had never got round to it. That night was the perfect time to do it! And while Aunty Jane said a small prayer, I covered the three sleeping beauties with rotting compost. It wouldnt take too long, about six months.

“ Breakfast son?.. I made you some nice boiled eggs an` a slice a toast! there ya go, get it darn ya son!”  She was a treasure, after she moved in, we sold the Merc, not as a whole, but as parts, on Ebay! We made a small fortune,  which helped to swell the already bulging coffers, courtesy of my Uncle!

Several months later, there was a knock at the door. “ Mornin` Sir! I`m makin` `ouse to `ouse  enquiries. `Ave you seen this `ere chap?” The officer showed me a photograph, it was the Russian. “ Seems `e as gone missin`, `an as is car was found near `ere some weeks ago, we is checkin` it out, so if you do see any one like `im, can you give `us a bell at the station?”  I replied I would. As he turned away,  he stopped and said, “  `ere, thats some Laburnam tree! real nice one, `owed you get it ta flower like that? My missus is always goin` on about `ow ours dont flower as it should!”  Aunt Jane, her ears always pricked, had arrived at the door, “ Everything al right officer?” She smiled, “ can I make you some tea?”  I smiled at the officer, and pushed Aunt Jane back into the hall. “ You can put that pick axe handle away Aunt jane! we wont need it!” 

I watched as the officer, made for the Laburnam tree, he smiled, and turned towards the garden gate, and then stopped!  he bent down, and seemed to pull something from the compost heap!          ” Oh my God! Aunt jane!”    ……The wooden handle crashed down. I sighed, and made my way to the garden shed, to get the spade.


  1. A bit of an Arsenic and Old Lace feel.

  2. Now that's a pickle! This reminds me of the old radio shows from the 50's

  3. It's kinda funny in a very sick way...I like it!

  4. Thanks guys! .......I did have a Aunt, who was a bit like this, poor thing, she died some years ago. But her legacy still lives on! I tend her compost heap regular!Lol.

  5. Holy sh... chicanery. Now you're in real trouble.

  6. Ooou..sort of " Rear window"...but it wad inspired by one you loved